Shocked by the call girl who rang me

Lips with bright red lipstickThere’s one thing a woman never wants to hear when she picks up the phone …

“Hello, I’m Jenny and I work for an escort agency. I’m sorry to ring you but I need to speak to you about a call I received from your phone number last week.”

I was speechless. I had no idea how to respond, so I just said really slowly “Okay.”

I withdrew into my bedroom and shut the door so my children wouldn’t hear the call. Then she told me the news.

She received a couple of calls from my phone the previous week asking the prices of certain services. She said she is a mother too, and when she realised it was a “little boy” on the phone, and there was another one in the background giggling, she decided to let me know. Lucky for me, our phone number was displayed on her system.

She finished by saying “I just thought you might like to know.” Bless her little cotton socks – I wanted to know alright! I’ve never met a call girl or escort or prostitute or brothel worker, and I was so very, very grateful that she cared enough to ring me. She sounded absolutely lovely on the phone. I couldn’t thank her enough.

Now it was time to deal with those two rascals of mine.

I called the boys together and sat them down, and told them about the call I’d just received from the nice lady on the phone. They both confessed and said they were just joking and promised they’d never do it again.

However, Son 2 tried to win some brownie points and show how intelligent they were and said:-

“Don’t worry Mum, we didn’t use our phone. We used your work phone!”

WHAT???? They used a Government phone! To ring an escort agency! And now there was a record of it!

I was shame-faced as I reported my boys’ actions to the CEO of the Government Department I was working for at the time. He couldn’t help but bellow with laughter – because he has sons – and knows all too well the antics they are capable of.

Disaster averted.

© 2015 CEW

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I lied in a job interview

Romantic vampire at beautys neckHave you even been interviewed for a position that you really, REALLY want? And they ask you a question that you know you CAN’T honestly answer or you may be judged – and not get the job? I have.

I was called in for a 2nd interview and this time it was with the CEO of a global company. We discussed my experience and we seemed to be getting along pretty well. I quite liked him and thought we would work great together. He then asked me …

“What do you like to do on weekends? Do you play any sports?”

Was the man blind? I looked down at my “robust” physique then stared him straight in the eye, trying to get the “cocked eyebrow” look but failed dismally, and said “Do I look like I play sports?” I’m not sure he knew what to say to that, so taking pity on him I said “I love to read.” {My body was made for reading more than sports.} I could almost see the relief on his face as he said “What sort of books do you read?”

OH. SHIVERS. I stayed silent for a moment, knowing I couldn’t possibly tell him the truth. What was I supposed to say? “Oh, I like vampire books where the wicked vampire sucks erotically on the poor damsel in distress’ throat, they fall in love, and live happy ever after … after he has his wicked way with her … on numerous occasions – of course.”

I replied slowly … “murder mysteries.” I imagine my voice slowed down and went high pitched at the end; so my response sounded more like a question … “mmmurder mysssteries???” He said “What are you reading at the moment?”   Oh crap, I couldn’t think of one single murder mystery – because I’d never read one in my life! I blabbed something about having a break from murder mysteries and remembered I’d downloaded a book months ago about the plight of the jews after the war, and I’d read the first chapter, so I mentioned this book.

I couldn’t believe what I’d done. I know that in itself it was probably not a huge deal, but at the end of the day, I evaded the truth. And I’m the sort of person that agonises over honesty, character and integrity.

I got the job but felt awful that I couldn’t answer that question and skirted the truth. I needed to make amends, so I did this …

I downloaded my first murder mystery … then I read it! I negated the lie, didn’t I?

Phew, close call.

Ok, ok.   So I will tell him the truth soon!! I promise.

© 2015 CEW

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He should be arrested for this!

Man wearing black business sock white shoes and shortsI thought it was just our local priest who wore socks and sandals.  I’d sit in church and notice Father Joe’s feet and think it was a statement in humility, that “Maybe he was trying to dress like Jesus”.  But I think not now.  It think it’s just … men.  I don’t mean to offend the male species but do they lose their dress sense as they lose their hair?

I include my own husband in this category now.  His hair is thinning as his fashion sense is waning.  This picture I’ve posted is my husband and how he wears his socks some weekends.  I kid you not!  I’d look down at his ridiculous pulled-up business socks with shorts and say in a high pitched squeak “Are you serious?”  He’d look down and say “What?”

I posted this photo of his calf-length black socks and weird-white-pointy-walking shoes accessorised with his nice big shorts on Facebook once and asked my friends “Is it just my husband, or do others have no idea either?”  The response was that my female friends felt my agonising paaaain.  And my male friends?  They couldn’t see anything wrong with it!

One humiliating week day my husband went to pick our teenage sons up from high school. He turned up early, got out of his car and leaned back onto the hood with his arms crossed in a relaxed pose.  Slick … except he was clod in his customary black socks pulled up his pins with his long black billowing shorts and white pixie shoes!   Son No. 2 and a friend walked out of class and noticed his Dad … in his “pet” socks.  Son quickly glanced left and right and contemplated a quick getaway. His friend laughed and said “Isn’t that your Dad?”  Son hesitated and almost denied him.    But instead {long slow sigh} “Yep … that’s him”.

So I ask you.  Is it just me or should this look be illegal? What is it with men and socks?

© 2015 CEW

Originally posted on my old blog site

How to be the shopper from hell and be proud of it!

Happy lady shopper carrying bagsHusband decided many years ago that he couldn’t stand going shopping with me. Son1 has jumped on this bandwagon. Son2 laughs hysterically when he learns of my “episodes”. I don’t really see what all the hoo-haa is about. I stand up, I speak up, and I stick up for myself. And … I’m proud of it!

Here are my 3 assertive shopping rules that I practice on a regular basis, saving myself lots of money; and saving myself from salmonella.  I wish I could say the same for  Husband’s sanity.

** Remember your prices and speak up when items scan incorrectly **

I bought a bottle of olive oil that was on sale for $3.99, but when I scanned the bar code it came up as $4.00. I told the store assistant that it scanned wrong, and I wanted it sorted out. She looked at me as if I had lost my marbles. She said $3.99 and $4.00 is the same thing.”  “No it’s not” I said. There’s 1 cent difference.” She said Are you telling me that you are doing this for 1 cent?”  Oh, I just love it when I am challenged. I’m a person who operates on principles, and this was about the principle of the 1 cent! But … I’m not totally doing this for 1 cent. I replied …

Oh no, I’m actually doing this for $3.99. Because when you do your price check, and realise I am right, you must then give me the oil for free. I wouldn’t say a thing for 1 cent, but I’m about to save myself around $4.00!”

She did her price check, and yes, the customer (moi) was right. Not many people care about remembering the price of items in their grocery trolley. But I do. And I call them out on at least 1 mistake they make almost weekly. And every time, I get the item for free. (It’s law in Australia.) Even a $30 DVD scanned wrong when my boys were younger, and I got that for free too. I save myself $hundreds$ each year!

** Don’t let anyone get away with poor hygiene **

Every hot day when I picked my boys up from school I went through the Hungry Jacks drive through to get them a treat – an ice cream cone. The assistant would, without gloves on, hand me the cones then collect the money with the same hand. How gross! I knew that they were supposed to put paper/cardboard around the cone and not handle it with their germed up money grubby hands. Every time I pointed this out, and refusing to take the ice creams, I’d say “Can you please get me two more cones, and this time, wrap the cones in paper the way your store policy says it should be done, and don’t break food handling laws?” Yep, it worked every time. One day as she was coming towards the open window with the 2 cones she stopped, saw it saw me, turned around to throw the cones away of her own accord, and I heard her say Oh shit, it’s her again!” She came back with 2 cones wrapped in paper. Haha, now isn’t that a cracker?

Ever asked for a cup of tea at a canteen, and watched as the worker squeezes out your teabag with her fingers? Saw this once too.

Oh yeah, and the time I was in a restaurant and my sister found a fly in her Chinese. It’s amazing that with a table of 14 people, my sister and I got all of our food and coffee for free that night. It pays (literally) to speak up.

So don’t be afraid to speak up on hygiene. Salmonella food poisoning and the spreading of diseases may be avoided if more people stood up and spoke up.

** Make businesses accountable for false claims **

This carpet is so exclusive to our store, that if you find it anywhere else, we will carpet your house for free!”  I actually feel sorry for the salesman who said this to me. Because it was now game on! I found the carpet elsewhere, then excitedly returned to the store with my great find, and asked when they could carpet my house for free. This is a round I didn’t win, because I couldn’t prove the salesman said it and I didn’t have enough knowledge and wisdom about how to take this matter further. However, the Manager rang to say the salesman only said it to highlight the exclusivity of their product {which obviously wasn’t really exclusive}, and he said it wouldn’t happen again. If I was older and wiser when this happened, I would have taken this matter further and possibly gotten my house carpeted for free.

It’s not okay to make false claims about products and services, and we all need to speak up to stop companies doing “whatever they can” to get sales. Luckily, most countries have laws established now to protect consumers.

Do you think I’m the shopper from hell? Maybe. But it’s a mantle I wear with pride.

© 2015 CEW

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If God loves GLBTs, who are we to judge?

Happy people dancing under a rainbow around Tree of LifeI’m a happily married Christian heterosexual woman, and I’m publicly coming out of the closet.  Not to declare I am gay, but to declare that I am NOT opposed to same-sex-marriage (ssm).  I am even going one step further to say “God Loves GLBT’s”.  And by that, I don’t mean God loves “gourmet lettuce bacon and tomato sandwiches”.  I mean …

GOD LOVES GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL AND TRANSGENDER PEOPLE!  And I declare it loudly, proudly and publicly.

I would never win a theological argument on the issue, because the theologians would bamboozle me and confuse me with their intellect; and I would end up looking like a stuttering twit.  So I am going to put my views forward in a simple way.  My way.  The way I think God reflects his love for all people.

In the olden days I may have been burned at the stake for my views, and maybe even now I will upset some of my Christian friends or readers.  But that’s OK too.  It’s our chance to practice grace towards one another.

I’ve been a Christian for 10 years now, and my Church has done a lot of teaching on the love and grace of Jesus Christ.  They’ve taught that there is not one single Christian in our Church (or anywhere else for that matter) who is not a sinner, and still a sinner.  Most of us are private sinners, and because others don’t see it, we tend to get away with it.  So I thank my Church and Pastors for never coming across as being high and mighty and righteous.  Thank you for being “real”.  I also apologise in advance if my views are not “right”, but I know you will love me despite that.  Because that’s what the real “followers of Christ” do.  That’s what you have taught us.  Anyway … back to my post ….

I’ve seen some dreadful vision coming out of the USA since ssm was legalised.  One particular picture of a grown man bending down and shouting into the face of a 6 year old girl incensed me.  Maybe the girl shouldn’t have been supporting ssm in a crowd of supporters, as surely she’s too young, but the man was old enough to be able to contain himself and treat her, a child, with respect.  Would God condone any man treating a child this way?  Not the Christian God that I follow, that’s for sure.

I have seen many placards being held high by Christians over the years saying “God hates fags!”  Wrong again.  Not sure about the god they say they follow, but I know it’s not the Christian God.  He actually sent his son to die for “all” people, so their sins are forgiven, and all means every single GLBT person on the planet and all sins (yes, even the “judgement” shown by these Christians).

When I thought about writing this post {sitting at McDonalds having a coffee on my way to Church} a picture came to my mind so strongly from the Bible.  It’s the image of Mary (the adulterer) on her knees being stoned by a self-righteous crowd.  Then the feet of Jesus come into her view.  And his hand reaches down to her.  He loves her.  He then says “let those without sin cast the first stone”.

The “stoners” in the crowd – I see as the Christians in today’s world.  The self righteous ones that hide their sins but condemn others for theirs.  And Mary, to me, she represents every beautiful GLBT person, individually and collectively, that Jesus reaches out to and loves, despite anything they may have done that others don’t believe in.

To today’s condemning Christians:  Read this story in your Bible.  God doesn’t hate any sinner.  He loves them.  He loves the GLBT community.  He didn’t scream in Mary’s face, like the man facing off against a 6 year old in the USA, nor condemn her.  He reached out towards her with grace and love.  And she became one of his staunchest followers.

Also to today’s condemning Christians:  You are a sinner too, as am I.  It’s just that your “sins” are done in private.  And because your fellow Christians that you sit next to at Church on Sunday don’t know about your secret “sins” of greed, lust, sex before marriage, cheating on your tax return, etc., etc., etc., that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  It just means you hide yours and are not publicly judged and condemned for them, the way you do to the GLBT community.  God is against greed, lust, worshipping of other gods, lying, adultery and judgement; but it IS legal under man’s law.  I don’t see you opposing these things that God opposes.  The GLBT community has their so called “sin” on display for all to see, and you treat them as if they have a target on their hearts that is yours to shoot at.  Please don’t.  God didn’t intend this to be your ministry area.  He called you to love them … despite that they are GLBT.  Then, there’s God’s definition of Marriage, and man’s which we in Australia call “The Marriage Act”.  Most countries have their own marriage act, that’s why some cultures allow a man to have two wives etc.  You may choose to follow God’s law for marriage, which I do, but the man made marriage act is legal and doesn’t transcend God’s laws.  Choose which laws you follow, and allow others to choose theirs.

To those that want to stone me for my views:  That’s ok.  I know we all have different views and it’s okay for yours to be different to mine.  But we are all called to love others as Christ does.  That’s why I will show grace to you.  Well, I will try, anyway.  God knows I’m not perfect either.

To the GLBT community:    G O D     L O V E S     Y O U.   It’s as simple as that.

Originally posted on my old blog site
© CEW 2015

 

The problem with big boobs and sunbaking

Cookie crumbs end up in cleavage

For Women Only

Big boobs, big bums, big thighs and bold personalities are a Maltese trait. And it’s also what I’ve inherited from my ancestors – as I discovered this month when holidaying in Malta.

I’m not really one for swimming and sun-baking, probably because I’m not stick thin and am quite self conscious in bathers. But I love what I’ve discovered about the Maltese women and the way they embrace their bodies – especially in swimwear. They don’t give a stuff about what anyone else thinks! I really wish we had an attitude like this in Australia. I really wish “I” had an attitude like this.

Sitting on the gravel and rocks on the sea edge I was enthralled watching these women. Would I have the courage to throw down my sarong, bask in the sun and embrace my shape in my new bathers? I wasn’t quite sure.

I saw so many different shaped and sized women. Massive women – that must have been a size 30 – in bikinis! Their bums would have been the size of my coffee table back home, and their stomachs hung so far over the top of their bikini bottoms that from the front, you couldn’t tell they even had bikini-bottoms on. And do you know what? They didn’t care! They were having fun and embraced their curves, and fat, and rolls. I wished I could be like that.

There were women as white as snow (like me) through all shades to the deeply bronzed. From reed-thin to morbidly obese. From toned and firm to flabby and wobbly. I noticed some of the bigger women were firm, and some of the skinny women were flabby. It really was a mixed bag of body shapes, sizes and colours.

I needed to “toughen up Princess” and throw down the gauntlet! To stop stressing about what I looked like in bathers and enjoy my holiday, milky-skinned-flab and all. I untied my orange floral sarong, threw it to the side, and felt the Mediterranean sun on my skin for the first time.

And – it was time to get a sun tan! To go from milky-white to maybe … a deep beige??

For a whole week I spent at least half an hour a day sun baking and my skin eventually went from white to a light freckly caramel tone. I was so pleased with myself {smug look}. I got quite sun-burned one particular day, and when I got home and looked in the mirror I had white lines across my neck. It looked like someone had tried to slit my throat numerous times – with white chalk! What the hell had happened??

White lines along tanned neckI couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I freaked out. Had my saggy 50 year old neck lolled downwards causing a crease that the sun couldn’t penetrate? I tried to re-enact all the different ways my skin sagged to work out how the white lines appeared. But I couldn’t.

I did notice however, that when I was swimming, my big-buxom-bosoms had a bit of trouble submerging into the sea water! Could it be that when they were floating on the surface like buoys they were actually pushing my chest skin upwards causing the creases? Maybe. So when I was swimming next I tried to push the bloody things underwater to get sun on my neck. It was a losing battle! I tried to duck underwater to get my face wet at one stage but because of my two power-floaties I couldn’t get the top of my head underwater! I had to get my sister to put her hand on top of my head and bleedin’ well push me under! My boobs must be air filled! No chance of drowning here. But still, I couldn’t account for how the white lines appeared.

I dragged myself out of the sea water and reclined back on my beach towel amongst the other bodies vying for a tan. It was then I had my epiphany! I have very nice bust-supported bathers. My boobs do not sag at all in them! When I was reclining my orbs reached towards the heavens above like twin mountains – then it happened.

As my head hit the sand, my boobs lost their centre of gravity and tilted towards my neck. The freakin’ things practically landed on the sand above my shoulders. When they tilted backwards on their axis my chest skin “gathered” and my creases were created up near my neck! This is what happens when a big busted women lays back too far in “E” cups! Yes, E cups. E = enormous, or elephant!

Then, when I stood up, they came crashing back towards earth like a couple of meteorites, pulling my neck and chest skin taut again. Mystery solved!

Oh crikey. What chance did I have?

I needed to change the way I sunbaked from now one. There was only one way that worked. Sitting up and reclining to about a 45 degree angle so “gravity” kept my boulders headed more towards my feet, rather than towards my head.

So how does a big-busted women sun-bake? Why … vertically … of course!

Ode to fat-lady-cankles

ugly witch crone on a broomstick

I thought cankles were only for old hags
For obese, ugly crones and nags
But I’ve got them now
And I feel like a cow
And my feet look like water filled bags!

NO! … I’m having my first episode of “cankles”
Those rotten and fat swollen ankles
I’m really peeved off
As they’re massive and soft and
I can’t wear my flip flops or sandals.

According to the info on Google
The fluid retention can be crucial
It’s from the aeroplane ride
28 hours inside
And not walking but sitting
Ohhhh … it’s brutal!

I say … “BE GONE! You disgusting fat ankles”
Find someone else and bless them with cankles
I don’t like you at all
And I’m actually appalled
That I’m now the old crone cursed with “CANKLES”!!!!

fat foot cankleOh dear Lord … help me. My ankles have been kidnapped and been replaced by cankles!

I got onto Google to see what it said about cankles …
“Definition: a woman whose fat and swollen ankle merges unattractively with that of the calf”

Really??? Cankles??? ME?????

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

© 2015 CEW